My virtual boyfriend

I like this guy.

When I was young I used to daydream about guys I liked. About being with them. About them looking into my eyes and telling me how they have never loved another girl like they loved me. Then when I would see them I wouldn’t be able to talk to them. Somewhere around my mid-twenties this stopped. I think I learned both how to talk to guys, and that men are scum at the same time. But now….I like this guy and he consumes my thoughts.

It’s strange. I daydream about how we could spend more time together. About how it would feel to kiss him and about how he would make me laugh. But I hardly know him. I have become content with the idea that I couldn’t ever actually be with him. This is because I have turned him into this perfect man in my daydreams that he would never be able to live up to. I see him on Fridays only, and there are only 4 more Fridays in which I will see him. Then it will be over and I will have to move on to a different fantasy. For that is all he is, is a fantasy.

Sure it seems like he was looking at me every time I glanced at him. And when I caught him looking at me and he waved back, acting silly, I’m sure he was just being silly. And when he took time out to just talk with me when I was asking personal questions, I’m sure that was just him being nice. And I’m positive the sparks I feel between us when I look into his eyes are my imagination.

I try to come up with scenarios where he isn’t perfect. Just to prepare myself for the disappointment I will face when that last Friday arrives. He is a real person after all. Last Friday he told me he doesn’t have any friends. Well then obviously he is a complete dick since nobody wants to be his friend. He is also way too busy and most likely self absorbed and  stingy with money.

What I heave discovered is that the thought of him keeps me company. I don’t have a real boyfriend, but I still need someone to spend time with. My daydreams provide me with a virtual boyfriend. And he’s perfect of course! But I would still really like it if he would kiss my neck.

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My new theory on spiders

You know how sometimes, you can walk into a room after two people have been arguing and you can feel the tension? The room seems to be thick with it, but it isn’t something you can see or touch. Or, if you go to a holiday party where everyone is laughing, drinking and having a good time, then you can feel the warmth of it and it engulfs you like a hug? It seems to me that people, through our complex emotions, emit these energies in a way that is, as of right now, incomprehensible to us.

Is it that people are emitting these emotions, or is it our perception of body language and facial expressions that causes us to sense these quandaries. It would be interesting to hear from a blind person whether or not they could sense these same things through hearing alone.

Certainly some animals are more skilled than we are on picking up subtle body language, or is it our energies they are picking up on? We have all experienced our cat seemingly reading our mind. One moment you are laying on your bed just thinking, when suddenly your cat pops into your thoughts, and in the next 30 seconds, he appears. Did you will him to come with your thoughts, or did you foresee his coming? It’s likely just a coincidence. But it sure does seem like I forget all about my cell phone until I suddenly get the urge to look for it. I suddenly feel like I need it with me. And once I find it, within a couple of minutes my dad sends me a text.

My friend was trying to kennel train a middle aged pomeranian one time, and he didn’t like it at all. As soon as she would even think about putting him in there, he would magically disappear. There was nothing she could do. He could seemingly read her mind. I was sure at the time that he was observant of subtle changes in her behavior. And I still believe that’s a major factor. But the more I learn about energy, the more I am suspect that energy has something to do with it.

I am thinking that maybe people and animals emit energies that help them to survive. They say all animals have evolved with some kind of protection from predators. For humans, we have soft bodies, but our brains protect us. Cats have sharp claws and teeth, turtles have their hard shell, and stick insects blend in with their surroundings.  On the other hands, humans have complex emotions that allow us to bond with each other on a level that not a lot of other species can. We can also bond with other animals. Cats and dogs have an ability to make us love them and care for them, which helps them to survive. Lots of animals seem to play the cute card, and many humans find them appealing; Owls, mice, bunny rabbits. But other humans seem to be immune to this cuteness. Deer are a good example. Some humans find them adorable, and others see them as dinner. Does this difference have to do with something in our brain, and our complex emotions. Is the deer tapping into this emotion, not consciously of course, as a means to protect itself? It’s a stretch I know, and I promise I’m not high.

I saw a very large ugly spider today, just innocently weaving its web while I was trying to eat breakfast. I didn’t feel anything until I actually laid eyes on it, but when I did, my skin almost immediately began to crawl and I lost my appetite. I was suddenly very jumpy and just generally creeped out.  I got to thinking that this feeling of creepiness must come from somewhere. Psychologists might speculate that it comes from some kind of incident in our youth, which could still be possible. But I got to thinking that creepiness might be something that the spider actually emits to protect itself from humans. Of course, my cat is immune to this because he does not have complex emotions, and if the spider can hide in a small crack or up on a wall, then he is safe from the cat. But a spider is really helpless against a human, who can get a ladder, or move objects to get to it. Perhaps it’s creepy energy and design is a form of defense against us. Really, I can’t think of another reason why just having many legs or many eyes should be a threat to me. And that so many humans are susceptible to the spiders “charms” is uncanny. Something else must be at work here. Something innate to the spider itself. If it can creep us out long enough, maybe it can get to a safe crack in the wall before the shock value wares off.

I’m not attempting to personify the spider. I don’t think it “knows” what it is doing any more than one species of butterfly puts on a cloak in the morning in order to look like another species of butterfly for protection. I’m suggesting that it just is….it exists in the same way that when I get dressed up and actually feel beautiful, that I tend to act a certain way to people who seem attracted to me. I emit confidence and sexiness, which people react to.

Anyway. It’s just a thought.

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Ode to my ex

I loved him!

I massaged him.

I organized his place for him.

I watched movies he wanted me to watch.

I held his hand at the movies.

I made love to him.

I moved in with him.

I helped pay his bills.

I complained that he was messy.

I helped him decide to go to culinary school.

I supported him financially while he went to culinary school.

I supported him emotionally while he went to culinary school.

I taught him the healing powers of venting.

I listened to him vent about people at his new job.

I complained that he left the cupboards open.

I complained that he was not a better listener.

I took care of his cat.

I cleaned up after him.

I folded his laundry.

I took him to the emergency room.

I bought him great Christmas gifts.

I gave him advice that he didn’t like to hear.

I took him to the emergency room again.

I loved him.

I cared about him.

I counted on him.

I took him to the doctor to get anti-depressants.

He changed.

He said he didn’t like how I treated him.

He said he didn’t like “how we vibe”.

He just wasn’t feeling it….

Well I feel it.

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I used to have two cats.

This blog is supposed to be about cats. I’ve “archived” all my old blogs. (Meaning I typed the word “archive” in front of each title. Why can’t I just delete them? Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my old life. Honestly, I hope nobody reads this blog.   I have decided to blog about my life, which is what blogging first began as…right? I’m really not sure. I’m really not sure of anything about the history of blogging, or it’s purpose, or what people want to read. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and just be honest with myself. Just do what I want to do, and stop doing what I don’t want to do. I can’t be worried about what people want to read. That’s stupid. What do I want to write is the question.  Didn’t blogging start as an online journal anyway?

Well here it is.

Life is weird isn’t it? Just three weeks ago I was engaged to be married, and now I’m not. Now I’m single again. It doesn’t really suck as much as I thought it would. I’m free! I have no more responsibilities, except Oliver, my cat,  and school. I used to have two cats…

I was accepted into a competitive internship. Then I was told I didn’t qualify. Then I was re-accepted. What the FUCK? Now, there is a chance I may have to travel 400 miles away next summer to do this internship. I’m actually kind of excited about it. Now at least. I have never been away from my home town, where I was born and raised, for more than two weeks. Now I may have to go for 6 months. But it pays well.

Today I have to close the joint checking account my EX and I had together. I had a dream last night that we were joking around together over dinner like we used to. Then I got up, looked at him, and told him, “I’m not sure this is what I want.” I’ve been thinking about that all morning. Maybe I’m ready to move on. It seems like three weeks is a short amount of time to be ready to move on after a 4.5 year serious relationship. But then, when he responded with a simple and dismissive “go ahead” text to my inquiry regarding whether or not I could go ahead and close the checking account, I cried again anyway. Maybe I’m not ready.

Posted in LIFE

ARCHIVE – September 24th – Success!!


Yesterday’s hurdle overcome was not a fluke! Last night Oliver came up to the top step, but was hesitant to come all the way into the room, so I helped him out a little, and that was all he needed! He hung out in the room with us like he always used to! I’m not sure what he did during the night, but in the morning I was surprised that he actually jumped up on the bed to come to see me! And the bed is directly under the ceiling fan!

We have made it! It only took us 1.5 months to get here. He is now okay with the fan off and the light on the fan either off or on. Now me and my little Black Olive can enjoy our cuddle time like we did before. Everything is as it should be. Until next summer that is…..when the fan comes back alive!

It just goes to show that when working with cats, dedication and patience is all it takes!


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ARCHIVE – September 23rd – It’s happening!


For the last month I have been bringing Oliver up to the bathroom and letting him peak out the door at the fan. I was hoping this would allow him a better view from what is perceived as a “safe” place to observe the ceiling fan and realize it is not actually a large hawk that will eat him for dinner. (Tim’s hypothesis is that Winnie told Oliver the fan is going to suck his brains out so she can reclaim her upstairs territory.) In the past, when I would open the door entirely, allowing escape, when the fan was off, Oliver would slink quietly and quickly back to the safety of the staircase. With the fan on, he would bolt for it, completely freaked out of him mind.

Well, the weather is changing now, and I am hoping it will be cool enough to have the fan off all the time very soon. So, I have also been bringing Oliver to the top of the stairs and kind of holding him there, petting him, in view of the ceiling fan. He doesn’t fight me, but since he is in view of the fan, he tries everything he can to turn his head so that he can’t see it and maneuver a cleverly from my grasp, but not desperately. Oliver and I have been performing both of these activities together off and on. Over the last week I have tried to do one of the other once every day. And today we finally saw success!

I took Oliver up to the bathroom when I got home. The fan was off. I pet him for awhile and let him peak at the fan. Then I went out the door before him. As he began to slink out I started to talk to him and he slowed down and let me pet him. Then he went over to the top of the stairs and paused. And then, amazingly, he made the decision to turn around and come back into the room! Apparently, many new smells had entered the room since he had last been there because he proceeded to wander nervously around the room and sniff everything! I am so proud of him! It was kind of interesting to see where the new smells were though, like in my shorts drawer. The entire time, he kept looking up cautiously at the fan. I understood it to be similar to what I do when there is a spider on the wall. As long as it is not moving, I keep doing whatever I am doing, but keep on eye on it to make sure it doesn’t start walking toward me. I hope it wasn’t a one time thing! YAY! I totally did not have my camera though, bummer.

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ARCHIVE – August 22nd – It’s working!

ImageIt has been two and a half weeks since the installation of our ceiling fan; aka, the devil. Oliver still refuses to go all the way upstairs, but I have been working with him a lot in order to blur his invisible safety line and I have been rewarded handsomely!!

There is a spot in the bedroom that is directly over the bottom of the stairs where Oliver sometimes sits. On Monday (the 19th) I happened to drop an item in that exact location which caused a soft thump. The soft thump scared poor Oliver so much that he felt he needed to run away immediately. And run away he did; right up the stairs! He ran all the way to the top step before he realized what had happened and froze. Tim and I tried to coax him up, knowing it wouldn’t do any good, but trying nonetheless. Winnie, always wanting to be the center of attention, sat between us and Oliver trying to figure out what the heck this odd behavior we were exhibiting was. Of course, this did not help the cause, but instead gave Oliver one more barrier. He sat there for a couple of minutes and finally decided it was safer downstairs.

Since then, he has been going up the top steps more frequently. In the mornings we usually find him sitting on the second step, just one away from the very top, as he waits for us to come downstairs.

We have placed a stepping stool in the landing area so that Oliver can get up on the ledge to right side of the stairs to explore if he would like. Of course, the fan is visible from the ledge, so he may not be interested, but I am hoping the spot may eventually provide safer viewing in the future should he decide he is interested in such things.

Meanwhile, our space for walking on the stairs is getting smaller and smaller.

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Posted in Cat Behavior, Cats

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